beating the burnout

Less than a dozen days into 2015, I had a day.  You know the kind of day I'm talking about, A day.  The day that the emails I wanted didn't show up and the emails I wished would never come kept showing up.  The dishwasher wasn't working and the baby decided his favorite activity of the day was screaming.  And it was damn cold.

I was spent, exhausted, and quite sure there wasn't enough wine in the world to make me relax.

To make everything worse, I saw the potential with all the scenarios that were in place for this to be a theme for 2015.  Apologizing for things I truthfully didn't feel I needed to apologize for and worrying about things to the point I'm pretty sure I gave myself an ulcer.  I wouldn't survive, and if I did, it would be in a straight jacket at the local asylum.

Overwhelmed and anxious, I made the most delicious mug of hot tea I have ever made in my life and changed into sweatpants and the oldest t-shirt I own, both of which made me think it was the first time in my life I had every really been comfortable.  It gave me hope...and breathing room.

In my comfortable bliss, I stared at my camera, which had been the seed of a lot of my annoyance of the day.  I was trying to decide between throwing it into the snow or smashing it with a sledge hammer.  Was this what people referred to as burnout?  In one day, I literally went from being inspired to being completely annoyed by a single item.  A single expensive item, might I add.

Rather than smashing the Canon to smithereens, I started making a t-chart of all the things I do and all of the things I want to do next to the reasons why.  The list was long.  I drink coffee every morning because I'll be a serial killer without it.  I listen to country music because I feel like there is a connection with my life.  I like driving on backroads because I think the interstate is boring. I like a-frame houses because they seem fun to decorate.  I used babywise to sleep train Oak because I want him to be rested and me to be sane. I teach because I want to make a difference in the world view of my students.  I cook dinner every night because I like it.  I meal plan because I save money.  We go camping because we enjoy nature and it's an affordable way to see the country.  I married Kevin because he is my BFF.  I named a child Oak because I want him to be a lumberjack (just kidding on that one!)  I won't go on.

Finally, the most pressing and challenged of my choices, my photography.  I practice photography because I like the creativity and freezing things in time.  I take pictures in the style I do because I want to preserve the everyday before the everyday is different.  I blog and share my work to inspire others and help them see the beauty in the chaos of life. I'm so critical of myself because I want to be better tomorrow than I am to day.

Then I noticed something about my list.  The things I like and do aren't special.  I didn't invent any of them.  In fact, I was inspired by so many others to try the things I now love so much. There was  nothing saying "so I can be better than ___" or "so ___ approves of me."  There was nothing on the list about making a lot of money or getting any sort of recognition.  As someone that has always considered myself to be a people pleaser, I realized maybe I wasn't.  That's some sort of strange thing to discover in my second year of being 29...who knows, maybe I really like sunny-side-up eggs, too!

The next morning, I woke up, not as stressed as the night before.  I poured a cup of coffee and put in an old Bob Ross DVD (it was an artistic phase I went through in 2010) and spent the morning chasing the baby and painting happy trees.  Then, in an effort to keep my focus on the positive, I deleted the social media apps on my phone.  I  committed to focusing completely on the most important things around me, and that meant eliminating the noise. (Except instagram, of course...let's be serious here, y'all!)

Regardless of the emails and the exhaustion of the day before, I relaxed knowing I was living my form of authentic for the most important people.  I do things with a purpose, and even though the act isn't always the most rational, I'm okay with my choices.

The beautiful thing about this life is that everyone's list is different and everyone's list is beautiful.  This exercise that I made up in the chaos of a Monday was one of the most therapeutic things I have done in a very long time.  Even better, I was reassured of the choices I have made and the path I have chosen.  Some people are going to misunderstand me, be judgmental, and make the road a little more difficult.  Like Taylor Swift sings, Shake it Off!

I also realized it was a good thing I didn't smash the camera to pieces like I had planned just 30-minutes earlier.  Thank God for rational choices.

Burnout looks different for everyone.  As a teacher, it hits me hard in December and May every year. The kids are done, the teachers are slammed with paperwork.  It's exhausting and soul sucking.  For my photography, it lasted only a day, but I felt like Lord Voldemort himself was taking my soul with every muggle breath I took.  I'm happy to report, however, I beat the burnout.  I put the camera away for 24-hours and spent time thinking.  Really thinking. And wishing I had Harry Potter's magic powers.

Make your list...Do you bake? Do portrait work? Sew quilts? Collect baseball cards? Regardless of what you do, are you doing it for a reason?

I thought so :)

xo, Ashley

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